Testing new BEATRICE I pray you, is Signior Mountanto returned from the wars or no? BEATRICE He set up his bills here in Messina and challenged Cupid at the flight; and my uncle's fool, reading the challenge, subscribed for Cupid, and challenged him at the bird-bolt. I pray you, how many hath he killed and eaten in these wars? But how many hath he killed? for indeed I promised to eat all of his killing. BEATRICE You had musty victual, and he hath holp to eat it: he is a very valiant trencherman; he hath an excellent stomach. BEATRICE And a good soldier to a lady: but what is he to a lord? BEATRICE It is so, indeed; he is no less than a stuffed man: but for the stuffing,--well, we are all mortal. BEATRICE Alas! he gets nothing by that. In our last conflict four of his five wits went halting off, and now is the whole man governed with one: so that if he have wit enough to keep himself warm, let him bear it for a difference between himself and his horse; for it is all the wealth that he hath left, to be known a reasonable creature. Who is his companion now? He hath every month a new sworn brother. BEATRICE Very easily possible: he wears his faith but as the fashion of his hat; it ever changes with the next block. BEATRICE No; an he were, I would burn my study. But, I pray you, who is his companion? Is there no young squarer now that will make a voyage with him to the devil? BEATRICE O Lord, he will hang upon him like a disease: he is sooner caught than the pestilence, and the taker runs presently mad. God help the noble Claudio! if he have caught the Benedick, it will cost him a thousand pound ere a' be cured. BEATRICE Do, good friend. BEATRICE No, not till a hot January. BEATRICE I wonder that you will still be talking, Signior Benedick: nobody marks you. BEATRICE Is it possible disdain should die while she hath such meet food to feed it as Signior Benedick? Courtesy itself must convert to disdain, if you come in her presence. BEATRICE A dear happiness to women: they would else have been troubled with a pernicious suitor. I thank God and my cold blood, I am of your humour for that: I had rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me. BEATRICE Scratching could not make it worse, an 'twere such a face as yours were. BEATRICE A bird of my tongue is better than a beast of yours. BEATRICE You always end with a jade's trick: I know you of old. DON PEDRO That is the sum of all, Leonato. Signior Claudio and Signior Benedick, my dear friend Leonato hath invited you all. I tell him we shall stay here at the least a month; and he heartily prays some occasion may detain us longer. I dare swear he is no hypocrite, but prays from his heart. BEATRICE How tartly that gentleman looks! I never can see him but I am heart-burned an hour after. BEATRICE He were an excellent man that were made just in the midway between him and Benedick: the one is too like an image and says nothing, and the other too like my lady's eldest son, evermore tattling. BEATRICE With a good leg and a good foot, uncle, and money enough in his purse, such a man would win any woman in the world, if a' could get her good-will. BEATRICE Too curst is more than curst: I shall lessen God's sending that way; for it is said, 'God sends a curst cow short horns;' but to a cow too curst he sends none. BEATRICE Just, if he send me no husband; for the which blessing I am at him upon my knees every morning and evening. Lord, I could not endure a husband with a beard on his face: I had rather lie in the woollen. BEATRICE What should I do with him? dress him in my apparel and make him my waiting-gentlewoman? He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard is less than a man: and he that is more than a youth is not for me, and he that is less than a man, I am not for him: therefore, I will even take sixpence in earnest of the bear-ward, and lead his apes into hell. BEATRICE No, but to the gate; and there will the devil meet me, like an old cuckold, with horns on his head, and say 'Get you to heaven, Beatrice, get you to heaven; here's no place for you maids:' so deliver I up my apes, and away to Saint Peter for the heavens; he shows me where the bachelors sit, and there live we as merry as the day is long. BEATRICE Yes, faith; it is my cousin's duty to make curtsy and say 'Father, as it please you.' But yet for all that, cousin, let him be a handsome fellow, or else make another curtsy and say 'Father, as it please me.' BEATRICE Not till God make men of some other metal than earth. Would it not grieve a woman to be overmastered with a pierce of valiant dust? to make an account of her life to a clod of wayward marl? No, uncle, I'll none: Adam's sons are my brethren; and, truly, I hold it a sin to match in my kindred. BEATRICE The fault will be in the music, cousin, if you be not wooed in good time: if the prince be too important, tell him there is measure in every thing and so dance out the answer. For, hear me, Hero: wooing, wedding, and repenting, is as a Scotch jig, a measure, and a cinque pace: the first suit is hot and hasty, like a Scotch jig, and full as fantastical; the wedding, mannerly-modest, as a measure, full of state and ancientry; and then comes repentance and, with his bad legs, falls into the cinque pace faster and faster, till he sink into his grave. BEATRICE I have a good eye, uncle; I can see a church by daylight. BEATRICE Will you not tell me who told you so? BEATRICE Nor will you not tell me who you are? BEATRICE That I was disdainful, and that I had my good wit out of the 'Hundred Merry Tales:'--well this was Signior Benedick that said so. BEATRICE I am sure you know him well enough. BEATRICE Did he never make you laugh? BEATRICE Why, he is the prince's jester: a very dull fool; only his gift is in devising impossible slanders: none but libertines delight in him; and the commendation is not in his wit, but in his villany; for he both pleases men and angers them, and then they laugh at him and beat him. I am sure he is in the fleet: I would he had boarded me. BEATRICE Do, do: he'll but break a comparison or two on me; which, peradventure not marked or not laughed at, strikes him into melancholy; and then there's a partridge wing saved, for the fool will eat no supper that night. Music We must follow the leaders. BEATRICE Nay, if they lead to any ill, I will leave them at the next turning. Dance. Then exeunt all except DON JOHN, BORACHIO, and CLAUDIO DON JOHN Sure my brother is amorous on Hero and hath withdrawn her father to break with him about it. The ladies follow her and but one visor remains. BEATRICE Indeed, my lord, he lent it me awhile; and I gave him use for it, a double heart for his single one: marry, once before he won it of me with false dice, therefore your grace may well say I have lost it. DON PEDRO You have put him down, lady, you have put him down. BEATRICE So I would not he should do me, my lord, lest I should prove the mother of fools. I have brought Count Claudio, whom you sent me to seek. DON PEDRO Why, how now, count! wherefore are you sad? BEATRICE The count is neither sad, nor sick, nor merry, nor well; but civil count, civil as an orange, and something of that jealous complexion. DON PEDRO I' faith, lady, I think your blazon to be true; though, I'll be sworn, if he be so, his conceit is false. Here, Claudio, I have wooed in thy name, and fair Hero is won: I have broke with her father, and his good will obtained: name the day of marriage, and God give thee joy! BEATRICE Speak, count, 'tis your cue. BEATRICE Speak, cousin; or, if you cannot, stop his mouth with a kiss, and let not him speak neither. DON PEDRO In faith, lady, you have a merry heart. BEATRICE Yea, my lord; I thank it, poor fool, it keeps on the windy side of care. My cousin tells him in his ear that he is in her heart. BEATRICE Good Lord, for alliance! Thus goes every one to the world but I, and I am sunburnt; I may sit in a corner and cry heigh-ho for a husband! DON PEDRO Lady Beatrice, I will get you one. BEATRICE I would rather have one of your father's getting. Hath your grace ne'er a brother like you? Your father got excellent husbands, if a maid could come by them. DON PEDRO Will you have me, lady? BEATRICE No, my lord, unless I might have another for working-days: your grace is too costly to wear every day. But, I beseech your grace, pardon me: I was born to speak all mirth and no matter. DON PEDRO Your silence most offends me, and to be merry best becomes you; for, out of question, you were born in a merry hour. BEATRICE No, sure, my lord, my mother cried; but then there was a star danced, and under that was I born. Cousins, God give you joy! BEATRICE I cry you mercy, uncle. By your grace's pardon. Exit DON PEDRO By my troth, a pleasant-spirited lady. BEATRICE Against my will I am sent to bid you come in to dinner. BEATRICE I took no more pains for those thanks than you take pains to thank me: if it had been painful, I would not have come. BEATRICE Yea, just so much as you may take upon a knife's point and choke a daw withal. You have no stomach, signior: fare you well. Exit BEATRICE [Coming forward] What fire is in mine ears? Can this be true? Stand I condemn'd for pride and scorn so much? Contempt, farewell! and maiden pride, adieu! No glory lives behind the back of such. And, Benedick, love on; I will requite thee, Taming my wild heart to thy loving hand: If thou dost love, my kindness shall incite thee To bind our loves up in a holy band; For others say thou dost deserve, and I Believe it better than reportingly. Exit Act 3, Scene 2 A room in LEONATO'S house Enter DON PEDRO, CLAUDIO, BENEDICK, and LEONATO DON PEDRO I do but stay till your marriage be consummate, and then go I toward Arragon. BEATRICE Good morrow, sweet Hero. BEATRICE I am out of all other tune, methinks. BEATRICE Ye light o' love, with your heels! then, if your husband have stables enough, you'll see he shall lack no barns. BEATRICE 'Tis almost five o'clock, cousin; tis time you were ready. By my troth, I am exceeding ill: heigh-ho! BEATRICE For the letter that begins them all, H. BEATRICE What means the fool, trow? BEATRICE I am stuffed, cousin; I cannot smell. BEATRICE O, God help me! God help me! how long have you professed apprehension? BEATRICE It is not seen enough, you should wear it in your cap. By my troth, I am sick. BEATRICE Benedictus! why Benedictus? you have some moral in this Benedictus. BEATRICE What pace is this that thy tongue keeps? BEATRICE Why, how now, cousin! wherefore sink you down? DON JOHN Come, let us go. These things, come thus to light, Smother her spirits up. Exeunt DON PEDRO, DON JOHN, and CLAUDIO BEATRICE Dead, I think. Help, uncle! Hero! why, Hero! Uncle! Signior Benedick! Friar! BEATRICE How now, cousin Hero! FRIAR FRANCIS Have comfort, lady. BEATRICE O, on my soul, my cousin is belied! BEATRICE No, truly not; although, until last night, I have this twelvemonth been her bedfellow. BEATRICE Yea, and I will weep a while longer. BEATRICE You have no reason; I do it freely. BEATRICE Ah, how much might the man deserve of me that would right her! BEATRICE A very even way, but no such friend. BEATRICE It is a man's office, but not yours. BEATRICE As strange as the thing I know not. It were as possible for me to say I loved nothing so well as you: but believe me not; and yet I lie not; I confess nothing, nor I deny nothing. I am sorry for my cousin. BEATRICE Do not swear, and eat it. BEATRICE Will you not eat your word? BEATRICE Why, then, God forgive me! BEATRICE You have stayed me in a happy hour: I was about to protest I loved you. BEATRICE I love you with so much of my heart that none is left to protest. BEATRICE Kill Claudio. BEATRICE You kill me to deny it. Farewell. BEATRICE I am gone, though I am here: there is no love in you: nay, I pray you, let me go. BEATRICE In faith, I will go. BEATRICE You dare easier be friends with me than fight with mine enemy. BEATRICE Is he not approved in the height a villain, that hath slandered, scorned, dishonoured my kinswoman? O that I were a man! What, bear her in hand until they come to take hands; and then, with public accusation, uncovered slander, unmitigated rancour, --O God, that I were a man! I would eat his heart in the market-place. BEATRICE Talk with a man out at a window! A proper saying! BEATRICE Sweet Hero! She is wronged, she is slandered, she is undone. BEATRICE Princes and counties! Surely, a princely testimony, a goodly count, Count Comfect; a sweet gallant, surely! O that I were a man for his sake! or that I had any friend would be a man for my sake! But manhood is melted into courtesies, valour into compliment, and men are only turned into tongue, and trim ones too: he is now as valiant as Hercules that only tells a lie and swears it. I cannot be a man with wishing, therefore I will die a woman with grieving. BEATRICE Use it for my love some other way than swearing by it. BEATRICE Yea, as sure as I have a thought or a soul. BEATRICE Yea, signior, and depart when you bid me. BEATRICE 'Then' is spoken; fare you well now: and yet, ere I go, let me go with that I came; which is, with knowing what hath passed between you and Claudio. BEATRICE Foul words is but foul wind, and foul wind is but foul breath, and foul breath is noisome; therefore I will depart unkissed. BEATRICE For them all together; which maintained so politic a state of evil that they will not admit any good part to intermingle with them. But for which of my good parts did you first suffer love for me? BEATRICE In spite of your heart, I think; alas, poor heart! If you spite it for my sake, I will spite it for yours; for I will never love that which my friend hates. BEATRICE It appears not in this confession: there's not one wise man among twenty that will praise himself. BEATRICE And how long is that, think you? BEATRICE Very ill. BEATRICE Very ill too. BEATRICE Will you go hear this news, signior? BEATRICE [Unmasking] I answer to that name. What is your will? BEATRICE Why, no; no more than reason. BEATRICE Do not you love me? BEATRICE Why, then my cousin Margaret and Ursula Are much deceived; for they did swear you did. BEATRICE They swore that you were well-nigh dead for me. BEATRICE No, truly, but in friendly recompense. BEATRICE I would not deny you; but, by this good day, I yield upon great persuasion; and partly to save your life, for I was told you were in a consumption.